Kindred Fashion

I spent most of my second trimester convinced that I could just ‘size up’ in regular jumpsuits. I was wrong. I was so spectacularly wrong that I ended up crying in a Glassons changing room because I got stuck in a size 14 linen blend and had to do a weird shoulder-dislocation maneuver just to breathe. It was humiliating.

Finding a decent maternity jumpsuit in New Zealand is a nightmare. Most of what we get is either overpriced polyester that feels like wearing a plastic bag or ‘boho’ sacks that make you look like you’re about to join a cult in Golden Bay. I’ve tried six different brands over the last year, and honestly? Most of them are trash.

The bathroom situation (The part nobody talks about)

Nobody tells you that when you’re 34 weeks pregnant, your bladder has the capacity of a thimble. Wearing a jumpsuit is basically a high-stakes gamble with your own dignity. If it takes more than ten seconds to get out of, it’s a failure. I bought this one from a boutique in Ponsonby—I won’t name them because I actually like their tops—but the jumpsuit had these tiny pearl buttons up the back. Who designed that? A man? A ghost? I had to ask a stranger in a public toilet to help me unzip once. Never again.

What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently. It’s not just about the buttons. It’s about the ‘drop.’ If the fabric doesn’t have at least 8% elastane, you’re going to struggle. I actually measured the recovery of the fabric on my three favorites by stretching them over a dining chair for 24 hours. The cheap ones stayed stretched out like a sad balloon. The good ones snapped back. That’s the difference between looking like a stylish pregnant woman and looking like you’re wearing a used sleeping bag.

Pro tip: If you can’t pull the straps down with one hand while sitting on the toilet, do not buy it. You will regret it at 3 a.m.

The ones that actually worked

I’m going to be blunt. I hate ASOS maternity stuff. I know everyone recommends it because it’s cheap, but the crotch is always in the wrong place. I’m 165cm, which is pretty average, and the ASOS jumpsuits always made me look like I had a saggy diaper. Total waste of money.

• Bae the Label (The ‘Dot’ Jumpsuit): I know they’re technically Australian, but they ship to NZ so fast it doesn’t matter. This is the only one that didn’t make me look like a giant, confused thumb. It’s expensive—around $150—but I wore it three times a week. Worth every cent.
• Cotton On Maternity: Look, I used to think I was too good for Cotton On. I was completely wrong. Their ribbed jersey jumpsuits are actually decent. They pill after about 12 washes (I tracked it), but for $40, you can’t really complain.
• Egg Maternity: A local NZ brand. Their stuff is hit or miss for me, but their ‘over-the-bump’ cuts are actually engineered for humans with internal organs.

Anyway, my husband thinks I’m obsessed because I still have the Bae one in my drawer even though my kid is six months old. I don’t care. It’s comfortable. I’ll probably wear it to his graduation.

Linen is the enemy of the pregnant body

I know people will disagree with me on this, and the ‘eco-friendly’ crowd will probably send me mean DMs, but linen maternity jumpsuits are a scam. They have zero give. Your body is changing by the hour. Why would you wear a fabric that is famous for being stiff and wrinkly? I tried a linen one from a fancy brand in Christchurch and by lunchtime, the belly area was so tight I felt like a stuffed sausage, while the butt was saggy. It’s a bad look. Stick to jersey or high-quality rib knit. Trust me.

I might be wrong about this for some people—maybe if you’re one of those people who only gains weight in a perfect little basketball bump—but for the rest of us who expand everywhere like a loaf of sourdough, linen is a trap.

The verdict

If you have the money, buy one good one from Bae the Label or Egg. If you’re on a budget, buy two from Cotton On and just accept that they’ll be rags by the time the baby arrives. Avoid buttons. Avoid zippers. Avoid anything that requires a second person to help you pee.

Does anyone else feel like maternity fashion is just a way to punish us for being tired? I honestly don’t know why it’s so hard to find a piece of clothing that fits a bump without looking ridiculous.

Just buy the Bae one. Seriously.